Zim Meets Batman And Also The Joker
by Alohilani
Summary: Zim goes out for a walk, ends up in Gotham, runs into Batman and also the Joker. Oneshot. Crack.


A/N: Crackfic

This is _too far. _I am _too far _from my base.

This sidewalk is so filthy that a coating of dirt pads my footsteps. It's dark. Even with my _incredible _ocular implants, it's dark. There's no starlight, there's no moonlight, there are no _streetlights, _and these buildings are all matte, non-reflective black. I can see, of course, I can always _see, _but I'm squinting.

I don't like to squint.

Well, I know that no _human _is gonna see me, so there's no risk in trying the radio again. "GIR! GIR, come to me right now! Where did you go?"

Nothing. I'm going to _kill him._

Oh, and this is just too far! Why do the humans put things so far apart? On Irk we don't even _have _'cities', or 'states', or anything like that! I expected a different city to be… different! This is this same stupid Earth stuff! Just darker and stonier and dirtier! I walked twenty-five miles and all I get are tired feet and a missing robot slave!

It smells like impending rain. The clouds overhead are so thick I can't see even the faintest outline of the moon. It's like I'm under a ceiling, not a sky.

Something even blacker than the sky whisks across my vision.

"Eh?" I rub my eyes. It's gone now. Some darting shape along the rooftops of these buildings. A bird, must have been. Or a bat.

Big one. Real big one.

I realize I've slipped into a fighting stance. No reason for that, there's nothing here to fight. I shake my head. Funny. Thing darting around almost looked like the Dib, but he's twenty miles away right now, at least. Maybe it was just a blowing paper bag. Yes, in fact, now that I think about it, that shape was definitely a blowing paper bag. Nothing to be concerned about at all. _Where is GIR?_

I continue down the sidewalk at a brisk pace. "GIR! This isn't funny! I want you here _right now!" _He's not answering. Fine!

This is no big problem, thanks to my ingenious foresight. I pull back my glove and glance at that brand-new tracking device strapped to my wrist. Ha! I'm so smart. This will make things so easy! I'm glad I thought of it. Okay, according to this, GIR's somewhere to the west.

Then west shall I go! Lessee. Yeah, my other wrist has the compass on it… west is _this _way! Onward, to GIR and then to home.

As I head west, the buildings become sparser. There isn't a human in sight and hasn't been for a while, which is good.

I am utterly and completely alone. Good. All well and good. Excellent, in fact.

The street here is in disrepair. There are few buildings around now. I'm standing by an old, large building, some kind of warehouse. It looks empty. One of the windows is broken. According to my tracker, GIR is in there.

The only sounds are the creaking of a nearby chain link fence. I've never been anywhere so empty. There aren't even animals. Back home, everyone is on top of each other. It's not natural to have big empty spots like this. It's a sign of bad architecture and human stupidness.

That warehouse looks so decrepit. I don't wanna go in there, it looks like the roof could fall in any moment. And it's so _dirty. _Maybe I can coax GIR out-

Something hits me on the head, and then the arms. It's starting to rain. It's raining! It's raining on me! But it doesn't hurt. Ha! My paste coating works excellently! I have nothing to fear from this- this- this falling, pelting, cold- oh, it's falling faster! I try batting it away. No, there's just more of it! I hate this!

I run to the warehouse door. There's a big complicated lock on the door that looks newer than the building. It's easy to pick. Inside, it's very dusty.

I'm wet. My wig is wet and my clothes are wet. Little drops of water are falling off me onto the warehouse floor.

I hear a rumbling, cracking noise from outside. 'Thunder,' they call it. Gih.

Well, okay, I'm inside the stupid building, now _where is GIR?_

This hallway seems to go on forever. It's empty and musty. A thick layer of dust everywhere shows that none of the doors I pass have been opened for a while, though there are footprints all over the floor.

There's a big door at the end of the hall, and there are tracks in the dust showing it's been opened. Aha. I open it myself.

Now I'm looking into a big room with a lot of humans sitting around a long table. Odd, I thought the place was empty. Well, no matter, I'll just HOLY DIRT, THEY'RE SHOOTING! SHOOTING! AT ME! ZIM! ALL I DID WAS OPEN THE DOOR! WHAT IS THIS?

I'm on the ground with my hands over my head, my incredibly honed combat reflexes having reacted before my brain. The shooting stops and I hear a voice yell "Hold on! Hold it, boys. Let's see who's joined our party before we turn him into hamburger meat."

I get to my feet. My teeth are bared. The nerve of these people! Shooting at me! Me! For opening their stupid door!

Most of the humans here are thick, blocky, simian creatures in brown suits. They look even stupider than normal. The one striding towards me is Tall and slender, in a purple suit. His face is white and he has green hair. He looks happy. Well, good for him. I'm not happy, and I won't _be _happy until I have my horrible robot back. He's not in this room, either.

"Why, it's a little boy, come to join the fun," the happy man says. He folds his hands in front of him. "But he's not happy! Now why aren't you happy?"

"Egh…" I'm wet and cold and I'm surrounded by smelly brainless lump creatures. Also, my pants are riding up.

Better not. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb your meeting, I'm just looking for my dog. Well, I'm sure you-" what was the word… ah "_growed-ups _have important adult things to do, so I'll just-"

I start to turn away. The human puts his… big, hot, meaty, germy hands on my shoulders. I stop. "Oh, no. Why don't you stay? I'm sure we can find a way to cheer you up."

My palms are literally itchy. It could be sweat or it could be the way I could just grab this guy's wrists, turn him just so- _flip him over my head and slam his filthy back down on the concrete so it shatters into a million _"What do you say, boys?" He forcibly turns me around. My fingers are flexing in and out. I can't seem to make them stop. The human won't take his hands off me. "One more for the party?" He gives me a little shake. My teeth are grinding together.

The assorted humans mutter incoherently. I'm shoved into an empty chair.

"No," I say, getting back up. "I really can't stay, I need to find my dog, my parents will be wondering where I am, and-"

I'm pushed back down. "No, I insist," the happy human says. He pulls out a knife. Ah, that's why he's so happy, he's carrying weapons. I mean wait, what? He's holding it to my throat! I can understand the desire for my company, but come on!

"You came in at just the right time, you see," the happy human says. "See my old pal Frank?" He gestures across the table at another happy human. This human is _very _happy. I've never seen anyone smile like that. "Frank was worried that a certain friend of mine would crash our party… so worried that I had to cheer him up." Frank doesn't seem to be reacting to our talking about him. He's probably too dense. "But no one would dare interrupt us with an innocent young hostage around."

Frank doesn't appear to be breathing. "Um…"

"Yes?"

Well, I was going to point out that Frank's dead but why would I help these people? They'll notice when he starts to stink. "Never mind."

Much more pressing is the knife blade at my throat. It seems pretty clean, at least. That's good.

"Well, let's get started," the happy human says, sitting next to me with his arm around my body. I can hear my pulse pounding in my ears.

One well-placed blow to the human's wrist and he drops the knife. I bolt for the door. Somehow, I end up sprawled on the floor instead- someone tripped me. I spring to my feet and something hard connects with my skull, knocking me on the floor again. That was quite a blow, I feel a little dizz- wha- SOMEONE'S _STTING _ON ME!

BIG! FAT! FILTHY! HUMAN! BUTT! SITTING! ON! ARGH! "LET ME GO! LET ME GO NOW!" So heavy! Can't breathe!

"Feisty little thing," I hear the happy human growl.

I claw at the concrete floor. The indignity! The horror! How dare they! HOW DARE THEY! "I WILL DES_TROY _YOU!"

I hear shattering glass, like something heavy bursting through a window, and all the humans start yelling and swearing all at once. The human who's SITTING ON ME gets up and I scramble for the door but then someone grabs my arm. It's the happy human. I reach around to punch him in his disgusting guts but before I can he's pressed something over my mouth. There's some chemical on it. I breathe it in. It burns. It sears my throat and my chest and it hurts so incredibly bad that I can feel my eyes watering and now I can't breathe at all and now-

Everything's dark and… my head… what happened? I remember… warehouse… running… someone must have knocked me out. Ooh, it hurts. Where am I?

THAT HAPPY HUMAN IS STILL TOUCHING ME!

I shrug out of his grasp and he grabs my arm, tightly. We're in a car, I think. Yes. Definitely a car. Going fast, too. The horrible black city is rushing by on all sides. I hear rain slamming down on the roof.

There are bullet holes in this car's windshield. I wonder what this happy man does for a living.

I lunge for the door. The happy man curses. I get the door open. The ground is speeding by underfoot. 80 or so miles an hour, I believe.

The happy human is trying to haul me back in. I knock him back with my Pak legs and leap out of the car.

The ground jumps up and punches me in the face and now everything is rolling over and over and over and rocks are hitting me.

Everything stops. Everything spins at the same time. I'm gonna be sick. No, I'm not. Yes, I am. No, I'm not. I'm alright.

I'm not alright. Everything is gray. I hit my head, I think. Everything is far away. No, I can't pass out again, I don't have time for… I…

Oog.

What happened? I'm cold and wet and I'm on my belly in the _dirt _and it's _raining _all over me… oh, yes. The smiling human and the car and the- ARGH! I _HATE _THIS PLANET!

A growl vibrates through my throat and I pound on the dirt with one fist. I hope the Earth felt that. I hope it knows I'm not just going to take this lying down! I AM ZIM!

W-well, I'm lying down right now, actually. I meant I'm going to get up pretty soon here, and- where am I?

I fell down a slope. A muddy slope. There's a horrible rushing in my head, what… wait, it's not in my head, I'm next to a river. A big, fast, muddy, smelly river. It looks like I was _this _close to falling in it.

Two of my Pak legs snapped off when I fell. Ugh.

Okay. I must not have been out long, because it's still dark and it's still raining. I just have to get up and… and…

That sound. What was that sound? I know that sound. That's an explosion. I pull myself to a kneeling position and turn my head to look. I can see a bright orange flickering up the hill on the road in the direction that happy human was driving.

I really hope that was his car.

Okay, time to start climbing this slope. How hard can it be? I'm an Invader, you know.

I get to my feet, which is already not so easy because I'm so cold I'm shaking convulsively and my arms and legs are kinda numb. No big deal. I'll just use my… oh, right, my Pak's broken.

Maybe I can radio GIR for help. "GIR? GIR? Are you there? GIR! GIR, ANSWER ME! WHERE ARE YOU GIR WHERE ARE YOU? COME HERE! COME HELP YOUR MASTER! GIR! _GIR! _GIR I HATE YOU!"

I sit down in the mud. I'm cold and I'm dirty and I'm all alone and it's raining on me. This horrible city… these horrible HUMANS…

"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, CITY!" I shake my fist in the air. "ONE DAY I WILL RETURN FOR YOU, WITH THE FULL FORCE OF THE ARMADA BEHIND ME! _THEN YOU WILL KNOW THE WRATH OF INVADER ZIM!"_

Looks like I'm just gonna have to get out of this through my own amazing skills. I start climbing on my hands and knees. Yeah, this isn't so bad, it's just mud… filthy mud… filthy mud all over m- OH HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE? IT CAN'T, THAT'S HOW, THINGS CAN'T GET ANY WORSE, BECAUSE… because…

Wait, wait, what's that? A loud swishing noise, sounds like it's coming from… over there. I look, and just see empty air. Hmm, guess it was nothing.

Then I hear this thump. A loud thump, like something heavy dropping to the ground. GIR? Is that GIR? That had better be GIR.

"How badly are you hurt?" a voice asks. Oh, no, it sounds like a human voice. A man's voice. I turn my head and-

-and- and it's…

I feel my body wrench away from this thing all on its own. It's Dib! BUT HE'S _HUGE! HE'S A GIANT! _How did he do this? Bionics? Robotics? Robot suit? Oh sweet Irk he's the biggest darkest blackest thing- and his coat has a life of its own, it's fluttering and flapping and it sounds like a big flock of hungry, seething, night-flappy… bat creatures and they want to _EAT ME AND_

I hear my own ear-splitting scream rent the night, shocking me back to reality. I shut my mouth and press my body to the ground. The monster hasn't moved, hasn't reacted to my cry, is just standing there and staring at me with glittery narrow eyes.

And it can't be Dib! Dib's twenty miles away. And this thing's head is too small. And Dib would be taunting me right now. 'Some alien!' he'd be saying. 'Can't even get out of the mud!' (He's wrong, by the way.) So this thing must be something else. Some kind of horrible, black creature. It has no _scent. _It makes no _sound. _Wait, it did make a sound, didn't it? It asked if I was hurt… it must be some kind of predator. I think my head is bleeding, it smelled the blood and came for me, it might think it's going to get my flesh without a fight but it won't, of course, I won't just let-

It reaches down and grabs me by the scruff of the neck, hauling me out of the mud. AAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAHH!

I show it my fists. It holds me out at arm's length. Irk, it's strong. It's at least five times my size, too!

I punch it in the arm. It's like punching a wall.

The black thing grunts at me. "Where do you live?"

Why does it want to know? What does this thing want from me? What kind of dark monster-

Suddenly, lightning flashes behind it. I feel my body go totally limp. This is a _human. _A human in a mask and a weird costume. The only reason he has no scent is because it's raining and I can't smell anything at all except for wet, sodden wig.

Just a human. Well, I never thought it was anything else.

"Where do you live?" he asks again.

"Like I'd tell _you!" _I spit.

The human is dragging me off now. Another punch has the same lack of effect. Maybe my Pak-

He scales the slippery slope with impossible ease. There's a big black car up here on the road. He opens the passenger door and sets me inside. Oh, Irk, not this again.

He shuts the door and walks off. I shiver. Maybe he'll let me go without a fight. Not that I couldn't fight and win if I had to but-

He opens the driver's door and tosses a dry towel at me. I snatch it up and start scrubbing off the mud. Might as well take advantage of the human's resources before I escape.

The human gets in next to me and starts the car. Its engine is much quieter than the other Earth vehicles I've seen. I glance at the controls. They look more like the controls for a spaceship than a car.

"I know you're not from here in Gotham," he says. "If you were from Gotham you'd have more sense. I know you're not from Metropolis. If you were from Metropolis you'd have more respect. That leaves Crapville, where no one has any sense _or _any respect."

I don't know if he's right or not, I don't pay attention to the stupid names humans give things. I just keep scrubbing. I should probably get out of the car. It's moving now but it's not fast yet. But it's warm and dry in here and the human hasn't actually threatened me yet and _there's rain out there!_

"How did you get involved with the Joker?"

The what?

"Did he bribe you?"

Did _who _bribe me?

"Why were you in the warehouse?"

The clean towel the human gave me is now covered in mud. That's _nasty!_

"Why were you in the warehouse?"

"So much _dirt…"_

He pulls a packet of something out of a pouch on his belt and gives it to me. It's a pack of antiseptic wipes. Yes!

I open it and go to town. Mm. Mm, clean. Mm.

"Answer me."

"Eh? Did you want something?"

The human is frowning. Well, the one that almost killed me was smiling, so maybe this is a good thing. I dunno. Eww! I've gone through five wipes and I'm still not clean!

"Why were you in the warehouse?"

"I was looking for my dog." My _stupid _dog.

"Why were you out alone?"

Why _was _I out alone? If I'd brought Minimoose this might never have happened. I could have just sent _him _to get GIR. "My dog ran away."

"Who are your parents?"

"Of course I have parents! My mom does bake sales."

He's quiet for a moment. I come _this _close to being so forgetful as to take off my wig to wring it out. That's not like me at all. I must still be a little concussed. Or a little poisoned. Or both, I dunno.

"Do they know you were in the worst part of Gotham? Alone?"

What? "Uh, of course! They packed me a lunch."

He's very quiet now. I'm halfway though the pack of wipes. There isn't any dirt coming off me anymore but I keep scrubbing just to be safe.

"You haven't seen my dog, have you?" I ask. "He's a bit smaller than me, loud, bad smell."

"No. I haven't."

"Ah." I'm not seeing any buildings around the car anymore. Ehh. "Where are we going?"

"Had you ever seen the Joker before?"

Who is he talking about? "No."

"How long have you had your condition?"

"_I DO NOT HAVE ADHD! THE TESTS LIE! THEY LIE!_"

The human is quiet for a moment. Then he says "I meant your skin."

Oh. "Oh, I've had that since I was born." My skin is becoming sore. I must be doing a good job scrubbing. I'm going to keep scrubbing.

The human says nothing.

I've gone through the whole pack of wipes. Good enough for now. When I get home I'll get clean for real.

"You're bruised," he says.

"Hm?" I reach up and poke the lumps on my head. There's two of 'em, one on my forehead and one on the back of my head. Wow, I hit my head twice in one fall. Or maybe one of the bruises is from being slammed to the floor and _SAT ON_ in the warehouse. It doesn't matter, my Pak will heal them both pretty soon.

"Are you feeling dizzy or nauseated?"

"Nope." I feel pretty good now. I'm almost warm, almost dry and almost clean. The human is a bit of a problem, but really, he seems harmless. Apparently rather insane judging by the costume, but not a threat. If he was, I could take him out. Yep. No problem.

I lean back in the seat and check my wrist tracker. It says GIR is… back in the _base…_

I hate him.

I look out the windshield as we pass a sign saying 'Welcome to Crapville'.

"Where are we going?"

"Don't come back to Gotham."

Uhh… that didn't answer my question, but whatever. "Sure." I never want to set foot in that place again unless and until the Armada is behind me with laser cannons.

The car pulls up. We're in front of the police station. What the!

"Hey, I didn't do anything! What is this?"

The human gets out of the car, comes over to my door and hauls me out by the arm.

"HEY!" I hit him and it's like hitting rocks or something. "UNHAND ME! I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING!"

The human drags me into the police station. It's empty except for a woman at a desk, who looks up and screams when she sees the costumed human.

"This boy was messing about where he shouldn't and almost died," the masked human says. "Get him home safe." Oh. I'm not getting arrested. Phew. This is just one of those stupid 'unsupervised minor' things… next time I'll wear the old man disguise.

"Oh my," the woman says, patting the base of her throat. "You're Batman!"

…Batman? That's a stupid name.

"Take care of the kid," 'Batman' says, and he leaves. Good riddance.

"Wait! Can I have your autograph?" the woman says, chasing after him.

Well, I have no business here and the woman's left me unattended. There's a big open window in one wall…

Once outside I quickly recognize my surroundings. Turns out this _is where I live. How 'bout that?_

_The base is a ten-minute walk through more cold rain and filthy, filthy human streets. At least no one is around._

_I walk into the base and flop down on the couch. GIR is sitting next to me. He's sipping on a Suck Munky. The smell is horrific. _

_I could tell him how he abandoned me, how he's horrible, how he's the worst robot slave ever built, but I just don't feel like it right now. Maybe later._

_I take off my wig, wring it out and put it away in my Pak. I'll have to fix my Pak, send a request to the Tallest for some replacement limbs and put them on… it can wait._

_I take my contacts out and put them away, then strip off the outer layer of my uniform- boots, gloves, over-shirt- and toss them in a heap next to me. A hot bath is in order, I think, and then a report to the Tallest. _

_In a minute._

_I close my eyes._

_GIR's voice pipes up in my ear. "You're WET!"_

_I punch him._


End file.
